There are many moments, when I feel guilty, for some of the thoughts that go through my head. I mean, taking care of mom is not all that complicated at times, just time consuming. So why do I get these moments when I feel so irritated at the quirks? In some ways, it is normal, as she is fighting to keep independent, yet her body is forcing her to give up most of that. She should be entitled to be a bit, well snarky, or selfish, and yet is she? Or am I just being worn down?
The fight with Beacon Community Services, with the dealing of untrained, or uncaring staff, has made a huge drain on my reserves, and I wonder too, if that isn’t just an excuse?
I love Mom, and yet by 10pm, I am looking forward to her going to bed, so I can grab some me time, and yet, when I get it, I worry about her. It seems like it is a no win situation, and it shouldn’t be that way. The one hour each morning, should be a moment for me, to catch a breath, yet isn’t, even when the good staff are here.
Okay, it is, but isn’t. I mean it lets me get things done, when maybe I should just let it go till after, but then, after is when I am on duty, so it is a catch 22 circle, that never seems to end. Resentment builds up, which shouldn’t, and it becomes a real struggle to keep one’s cool, one’s voice calm and level.
Would I change anything? NO! I’d still want to look after mom, but I would change how I approached Beacon & VIHA. I’d be more nasty, more insistent, than I was, and I wouldn’t put up with their snow jobs.
