Ever had those days, when nothing you do seems to please, or is enough?
I think this is one of them, in a growing long line of them, which makes me question, if I can survive this? I wonder too, how it impacts David, and yet I can’t dwell on that, or on how I feel so exhausted, an hour or less, after waking up. It is almost like a conspiracy, to deny a moment’s peace, and yet, I still believe, that it is the right thing.
Like today’s worker, Yvette. Nice lady, competent too, or so I thought, but frankly the last couple of visits, leaves me wondering. And it has an impact on Mom too. I mean how can you put depends on a person, and leave them at half mast? Then you spend extra time, discussing how shoddy things are in the world, I mean it is becoming very confusing.
I think too, the lack of communication with others, is taking its toll. Not just on me, but on Mom. Now she says I don’t talk enough, yet each time I ask her if she is okay, if she wants something, or get up and get myself a drink, she doesn’t even look up from her book, at times. Yet I am not talking enough.
There is no book on this stuff, least not one that isn’t clinical, and speaks from the heart. I mean, this isn’t easy when you have a deep emotional connection, with the other. And let’s face it, she is dying. I hate to think that, but it is reality, simply because of her age. I mean she doesn’t have 20 or 30 years ahead of her. That is reality, but where is it written on how to cope with it?
Yes, it makes me angry, scared too, but there is no one to discuss it with, to talk it over with, who isn’t going to respond with the age old reply: “well the older they get…” which infuriates me. I know things break down, but all a guy wants, is someone to understand, not pass judgement, not render sage words of wisdom from on high. I can read the bible for that, but yet, I don’t know.
This is not easy, that is about the only constant I can see here, that it isn’t easy, nor will it get easier, or better. Things will get worse, and that scares me.
