I suppose it is simply a mood, that will pass, and yet I wonder if it ever will pass?
You think you know someone, even think you love them, but your idea of what love is, and theirs, seems at odds. Least it appears to be that way with my other half, as he seems to feel that looking after ‘her’ is too much, to invasive into his own needs. I don’t know, to me that seems selfish, but yet, is it?
Taking care of someone elderly is a full time job, and then some. When you have to deal with having your entire world structured around another’s needs, it does become difficult. I know he isn’t a bad person, and yet I feel totally let down, as if I need that now? And maybe that is me, being selfish too.
I suppose what gets me, is that so many seem to think that looking after an elderly parent, is simply more than they can handle. I really can see why many would feel that way too, because it isn’t an easy chore. You have to be at their beck and call, nearly 24/7, which isn’t easy when you want to do things, for yourself, or with others.
Going out becomes limited, at best, and time is coming when even that will become a distant memory, as her condition worsens. That too weighs on one’s mind, and sort of keeps you on edge, which isn’t a good thing. Stress is a huge killer, and I can see why many in the health profession drink to excess. And yet, it was my choice, so why should I allow the stress to eat at me?
I guess the answer is simple, I worry, always will, and I also always look inwards first, to see what I am doing wrong. Maybe it is wrong to expect David to be a part of this death watch? I mean that is exactly what it is, and it could go on for years. Least, I hope it does, because really I am not ready to let go, not just yet. And that too, is me being selfish.
Being a full time care giver is hard, not in a physical sense, but in the mental sense. I mean lifting is easy, cleaning up shit is not pleasant, but not difficult. Changing linen, doing laundry, is not hard work either, but it is the worry that takes the toll.
I don’t know anymore, how to cope. I used to, but these days, everytime I turn around, something or someone, is there to say NO, or to push me backwards. I don’t get it anymore, and when even those close to you, turn, it just seems so fruitless, so futile.
At times, I wish I was an orphan, and that is wrong, other times I wish I was single, and that too, is wrong. It just feels like the world is closing in, and there is no room to twist, to shake the inevitable. And the price to eek out an extra day, or to make her happy for at least a few minutes, seems to be coming at a high personal price.
Or maybe I just need to let it all go, to hunker down and do what needs to be done, and let everything else roll of my back, like water. Problem is, I think too much, worry too much, and that makes it harder to just, roll with the punches. It really does make me wonder, just at what God’s plan is.