You know, the frustration levels are rather high, as each day comes and go. The reality of caring for someone much older, is a constant source of annoyances, of frustrations, and family members who don’t understand, only make it harder. Or is it, that I don’t understand?
I listen to David, and at times want to strangle him, for his insensitive remarks, his selfishness really. Least at the time that is how it feels, and maybe misplaced, but then again, is it? Is it wrong for him to want to look forward, to a time when Mom isn’t around, consuming my time, our minimal resources?
Is that selfishness, or being practicle?
Maybe it is a form of denial on my part, not wanting to contemplate the future, when Mom is gone, or maybe just a sign of total weakness. It is a conflict that rages inside of me, and I am unsure how to deal with it, or cope with it. In my mind, it is like I am giving up on her, if I let myself think about a future with David, without Mom. I am not even sure I will survive that moment in time, and wind up questioning my own confidence, my own abilities.
This is the reality of being the sole caregiver, I think. A sense of utter loneliness, of being isolated from friends and family. My Cousin maybe has the right approach, of being totally unemotional, but I can’t seem to reach that level of isolation. Nor do I think I want to.
To cut yourself off from what you feel, just seems wrong. David, to some degree, does that, and it irritates me no end. Yet too, maybe it is the right way to cope, to handle a very stressful situation. Course it winds up putting me on edge, being guarded in what I say to either of them, for fear of not getting the response I feel, I deserve. I am afraid of lashing out, at their insensitivety, at their lack of compassion, but maybe I am wrong.
The self doubts seem to expand, never diminish, which only adds to the level of frustrations. I wonder what it would be like, to just run away, to go and hide from not just caring for mom, but from being married, from being even a miniscule part of society. I feel like life is just a cruel joke, at times, that I am unsuited to be in.
Simple chores, become nightmares. Minor disagreements become roaring arguments, and through it all, I have this urge to tell whoever, to just fuck off. I know it is wrong, maybe even selfish on my part, but I am tired of the burden. It seems to invade even my sleep, so that the mornings are just a carry over from the night before. There appears to be no rest, no moments of being off.