My Mother's Life Dedicated to the Only Woman I'll Love, My Mother.

There are moments, when you just feel like you are trapped in a dark hole, that has no ending. It is like you wake up, have to be ready to deal with either Beacon calling to tell you a substitute is coming, or you need to check the schedule to see in case they aren’t calling.

You have breakfast to get ready, so that when she is finished with the worker, it is there for her

Your mind has to wake up quickly too, because when you get up, you may need to do a complete change, including the bed. You may have to clean up poop, which means a sponge bath even though a worker is coming in an hour. 

You just can’t leave her in feces, not with her skin condition, not with the groin infection. At least I can’t.

You spend the day listening for any signs of difficulties, while attending to laundry, lunch, figuring out dinner. You have to keep an eye on the medication, to make sure you have enough, or need to order refills.

Specially the creams. Those are not consistent in use, so you can’t afford to be out. As there are two tubes, one half the size of the other, its a balancing act to keep both in hand.

Then there is the worry over the bills, over the wife. You can’t afford to fall behind, even if your money is limited. Hydro is running at $300 a month, simply due to daily hot water laundry. There is no choice to that. Cable which includes the phone, is $130 a month, and on top of that, you have the other incidentals.

Things like keeping depends in stock, rubber gloves so you don’t spread any infections, or get them yourself. Depends are a daily used item, but can vary in how many you need. Again, something you have to be prepared for at any time, is a depend change.

Changes can run anywhere now, from a speedy 15 minutes to a good 40 minutes. It all depends on how quickly you spot the need for a change, because she won’t tell you on her own. You either have to smell the need, or ask.

One has to monitor her breathing. There are times when just flipping the page of the newspaper, brings on a bout of heavy breathing. So you have to watch that, and of course, the choking spells.  Just swallowing can sometimes lead to ten minutes of coughing.

There is the endless paper to be picked up. She has a tissue fetish these days, and you need to insure her paths are always clear of obstacles.

Through all this, you need to figure out how to afford the medications, and the other stuff, while also seeing about getting a foot doctor to trim the toenails, a hairdresser to come in and cut the hair.

You become swamped by the cost, wondering how you can survive, because you have no time to do your own work. If you get it, it is never constant, always interrupted, or always about to be. Your concentration is divided, because there is no choice.

And that is just the day. Night has its own issues, so that you get up at 7:30 am and head down at 10:30 pm where you get perhaps an hour to unwind, before heading off to a disjointed sleep. And before you know it, you are once more in the endless loop of your life.

This is my life.  This is caregiving for someone 93, and it feels like an endless trap. You know that it will end, only when she dies. It gnaws at your insides, it wears out your mind, but you can’t show it, because she can pick up on it. The dog picks up on it, the wife picks up on it, and that doesn’t make for a happy home.

It becomes a well filled with nothing but darkness, nothing but depression. It is life, that you wonder, if it is worth it. Thoughts you’d never think of having, are your constant companion, as you go through the motions, struggling to find a reason for it all. You question everything, and then, when the shit literally hits the fan, you have to cope, with your batteries at a low level.

It is amazing you can get up in the morning. Sleeping in is a rarity, because nothing seems to go as planned, or as hoped for.

The hole is huge, dark and filled with dread & despair. It is endless, and you are trapped, because there is no way out. Not if you love the one you are caring for.

This is Caregiving.