Trying to Understand
This whole caregiving job has no guidelines, no books that explain what you will go through, or how to adapt to the changes, to the frustrations. There is no magic course to take, that will teach you how to be a loving, compassionate, caregiver.
Either it is in you, or it isn’t.
You can talk and discuss all about how to lift a person, how to wash them and even how to speak to them, but there is no way you can teach compassion, caring. Even as a family member, a son, I find it hard to not get angry, to not feel put upon, at the simplest of requests. And it impacts my own self confidence, self evaluation.
Am I a bad son, for being impatient with the routine?
Like when I take her to go lay down in the afternoon, and she stands there, with that blank look, it makes me cringe.
Or walking behind her, and the odor from her makes me feel, well, sick to my stomach. I know she can’t help it, but has she lost that much control over her bodily functions, that she can’t even control her flatulence?
Like why does it happen, just as I am bending down to pull up the depends? Is it deliberate, or co-incidence?
It is those thoughts, that make me question myself, that make me wonder, what am I doing wrong? Are those feelings natural, is the impatience of following behind, as she shuffles, unless she’s gotta go the bathroom, when it is almost like running a short distance sprint, normal?
You sit awake at night, wondering if somehow, you are deliberately making yourself angry, so that when the ‘eventuality of death’ does arrive, you will have closed your emotions off? Is it a defence mechanism, to try and mitigate the upcoming emotional upheaval, or is it selfishness?
It is the frustration, daily or hourly at times, when she drinks, and gulps the juice, making herself choke. Thoughts that she does it on purpose, to get attention race through the head, while worry gnaws at me, wondering what to do, if she doesn’t catch her breath.
In short, it is a vicious cycle, that draws energy, strength from a guy, and really, it is no wonder that by the end of the day, I am feeling short tempered, irritable, & just downright snarky. It is a long day, from 6am till midnight, and no wonder the blood pressure is up and down like a yo yo.
It does make me question myself, and when David says things will be different, I am pissed at him, because I know he is meaning ‘when she is dead’ and I don’t want that. Or do I? Is that why I am so stressed, so nervous? Am I that bad, for even thinking it could be that?
Bottom line is this, the job of caring for an older parent is a lonely task, that tests your true mettle. It isn’t filled with accolades, or even compassion from those you expect to provide that for you, it is a job that beats you up, wears you down.
This is my life, it sucks, but it is the only one I got.
Breath of Fresh Air
Updates to this blog, have been rather hit and miss, and it tells.
To begin with, this blog is supposed to be about Mother, yet has evolved into a running commentary on having to deal with her aging process, that hasn’t been all that smooth.
It isn’t a commercial blog, hawking any product, though Google Ads do appear. I mean hell, we can use all the income we can get, because frankly, aging is not cheap, no matter what some may think, or even for those who planned for it, eons ago when they were young.
First order of business, is to perhaps freshen up the blog, with a different theme, though I do enjoy this one, the wide space for the posts, and for pictures.
Secondly, I think I need to adjust the categories here, to make them more relevant to what is being discussed, or to be discussed. Aging and Caregiving are not the same, and it seems that there is a lot to talk about, in both areas.
Aging does impact all those around the person who is getting older, but they too, have a story to tell, and it should be told.
Caregiving is not a job, but a vocation, a calling perhaps, more than I certainly thought when I more or less, fell into this role.
Hopefully this will mean more comments, more visitors, and who knows, maybe it will help not just me, for reliving some stress, but others who find themselves in the same boat.
The Little Things
How do they do it?
Caring for an elder parent, with mobility issues, with health issues, on a 24/7 basis is not simple, nor easy. I am finding that I am bound to the house, more and more, and rely on David to do the chores, such as grocery shopping, or even shopping for household items like bleach.
Doing laundry two out of three days, sometimes every day, is a grind, as is checking to make sure there are rubber gloves on hand, swaps for night use, and all that. It piles up, becomes routine, and yet not.
And through all this time, your ear is constantly cocked for any out of the ordinary sign, or break in the routine. You sit and glance over 20 or 30 time per hour, while struggling to complete an online project, or work through some code hiccup.
It isn’t much, but then you resent having to break your routine, to take her to the bathroom, because it means another depend, another dollar lost, and another ten minutes gone. It sounds selfish, when you think about it, and it is. Yet, that is the daily grind, the little things, that test your mettle, that test your resolve.
Yes, it is easier to dump them off at an old folks home, at some retirement place, and it is no wonder either, why so many don’t survive for long in those environments. I can see why, because the feelings of being abandoned must be high, and the care, can never equal that given by someone who loves them.
But it is those little things that defeat one, that wear one down. IF only there was a way to combat that, to fight it, and not let it get under your skin. That is the trick, perhaps, of surviving being a care giver, 24/7.
Price of Inconsistent Care
Granted, scheduling multiple workers, for numerous patients, some only on a temporary basis, is not simple or easy. After all you have to take into account the experience levels, the type of care being required by the worker, as well as seniority & location, but it is a doable task. Naturally that assumes that you have sufficient workers, that you have qualified staff at all levels, with appropriate skills for the needed tasks.
Beacon Community Services seems to have none of that.
In approximately six weeks of twice daily service, where I cannot even begin to count the number of workers that have shown up here, one has to assume that they simply DO NOT have the right schedulign personnel, or programs, or simply DO NOT care about their Patients, but are only concerned with meeting their basic contract requirements.
Which brings up the question, exactly what are those terms in the contract?
With workers showing up twice a day, seven days a week, you would assume that it would simply be a matter of assigning one to three people for each shift. In other words, you get a person who is available, for four or three days, at that time, and assign them to ONE SINGLE PATIENT.
That Assumes You Care About Quality of Service.
Old people are not easy, that is a given. In addition, routine is very important to them, so it would make sense, that if you truly cared about them, you would move heaven & earth to insure they had some sort of consistent care. THAT MEANS REGULAR WORKERS NOT A CONSTANT INFLUX OF NEW FACES & PERSONALITIES.
It would be nice too, if workers were INFORMED of the care plan, which is in place, and that when those plans are changed, altered, THEY ARE UPDATED.
AGAIN, something Beacon Community Services isn’t very good at.
YET, I think the whole situation is not just letting the blame lie on a corporate entity, but on the Government Agency that actually CONTRACTS THIS WORK OUT. It would seem to me, that some form of OVERSIGHT would be in order, and yet from I have seen IN NEALRY SIX WEEKS, there really isn’t any.
NO ONE from VIHA has bothered to call, never mind show up, to check on the quality of service, even though there have been several complaints made about that service. It boggles my mind, to think of how UNCARING VIHA is in doing it duty.
The price of all this, is added stress to everyone involved. That includes the personnel from Beacon, from VIHA but more importantly, the PATIENT HIS/HERSELF. As well, it is the stress that is added to the 24/7 caregiver.
Do you know what it is like, to sit and wonder if someone will show up, or if they do, who it will be? Oh sure, they have a schedule you can check, but that doesn’t guarantee that it’ll be the person listed, who shows up. Then too, there is the time factor. A person may be scheduled for 9AM, but Beacon has until 1PM to have someone show up.
In other words, it is like the Cable Guy. Be home between Noon & 4PM as someone will eventually show up.
I don’t know how others handle this. For myself, for mother, it is a tough and arduous situation. It has even reached the point where she is asking me, would I mind helping her wash her private region, so as to simply avoid the stress of incompetent staff, of incomplete washing, of being rushed, and of rough handling. AND THAT IS JUST AFTER SIX WEEKS !
HOW IS THIS HOME SUPPORT?
Paying the Price
I suppose it is simply a mood, that will pass, and yet I wonder if it ever will pass?
You think you know someone, even think you love them, but your idea of what love is, and theirs, seems at odds. Least it appears to be that way with my other half, as he seems to feel that looking after ‘her’ is too much, to invasive into his own needs. I don’t know, to me that seems selfish, but yet, is it?
Taking care of someone elderly is a full time job, and then some. When you have to deal with having your entire world structured around another’s needs, it does become difficult. I know he isn’t a bad person, and yet I feel totally let down, as if I need that now? And maybe that is me, being selfish too.
I suppose what gets me, is that so many seem to think that looking after an elderly parent, is simply more than they can handle. I really can see why many would feel that way too, because it isn’t an easy chore. You have to be at their beck and call, nearly 24/7, which isn’t easy when you want to do things, for yourself, or with others.
Going out becomes limited, at best, and time is coming when even that will become a distant memory, as her condition worsens. That too weighs on one’s mind, and sort of keeps you on edge, which isn’t a good thing. Stress is a huge killer, and I can see why many in the health profession drink to excess. And yet, it was my choice, so why should I allow the stress to eat at me?
I guess the answer is simple, I worry, always will, and I also always look inwards first, to see what I am doing wrong. Maybe it is wrong to expect David to be a part of this death watch? I mean that is exactly what it is, and it could go on for years. Least, I hope it does, because really I am not ready to let go, not just yet. And that too, is me being selfish.
Being a full time care giver is hard, not in a physical sense, but in the mental sense. I mean lifting is easy, cleaning up shit is not pleasant, but not difficult. Changing linen, doing laundry, is not hard work either, but it is the worry that takes the toll.
I don’t know anymore, how to cope. I used to, but these days, everytime I turn around, something or someone, is there to say NO, or to push me backwards. I don’t get it anymore, and when even those close to you, turn, it just seems so fruitless, so futile.
At times, I wish I was an orphan, and that is wrong, other times I wish I was single, and that too, is wrong. It just feels like the world is closing in, and there is no room to twist, to shake the inevitable. And the price to eek out an extra day, or to make her happy for at least a few minutes, seems to be coming at a high personal price.
Or maybe I just need to let it all go, to hunker down and do what needs to be done, and let everything else roll of my back, like water. Problem is, I think too much, worry too much, and that makes it harder to just, roll with the punches. It really does make me wonder, just at what God’s plan is.
