I suppose it should be four egos, the dog sure as heck has one to match those of Mom, David, & myself. Seems it is a constant clash these days, and you know the juggling is becoming harder & harder.
I don’t know whose ego to massage anymore, sure as hell isn’t mine. It is always a toss up, between trying to calm Mom down, or David. Both of them seem to be wanting more & more attention, as if the two of them are in some form of competition. Then there is the dog too, who seems to feed on that, demanding her own little piece of me.
There is only so much to go around, and I am feeling stretched beyond the breaking point. Most days Mom will sit and stare at me, then when I ask what she wants, she says nothing. Half hour later it is to go get changed, when the urine is worse, the nightshirt is soaked, and more laundry needs doing.
Then there is David who comes home in a mood, who keeps harping on how he needs hope of a future, without Mom. He simply doesn’t understand how much that hurts, how it makes me feel like ripping his head off. Yet, I understand where it comes from, as really it is depressing.
Every dime goes to maintaining a safe home, one that is clean & has what is needed, which isn’t easy to do, without limited resources. To make choices like between hamburger and depends, is a no brainer, it is the depends.
The need to constantly buy supplies like depends, sterile gloves, creams, and keep a reserve for medications, for other stuff that she needs, is hard to take. But what is really hard is that David isn’t the comfort I expect from him. There is no one to share my own feelings with, my own moods, because they both look to me to solve their fears, their moods.
From Mom with her hearing strange noises, to David wondering what the future will be like without Mom. It is becoming too much, yet what choices are there? No way I can walk away, though at times I wish I could.
This is the hardest part of caring. Too many battle fronts to deal with, yet we have to. There isn’t much out there, to make life any easier. So it is onwards, until either the end comes, or we just simply burn out and fall by the wayside.