Sitting, listening to Mom’s laboured breathing, watching her stare off, as if lost in space at times, I wonder about GOD. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in GOD, and in Heaven, but I still question some of the decisions, he’s made.
I dont understand why he put us here, to let us live and enjoy the world around us. I know a lot of the bad things, just happen. It is life. Yet, being born, then dying, are things HE has set. It is the chain, but yet, how can anyone who is acclaimed as the Father, allow his children to suffer, in that final moment of life.
Shouldn’t the end be less painful, than it is? Why is there that final agony, for all to witness, to see? Is it some power trip, or some final way of cleansing? It just doesn’t make sense to me, as to why someone should live to be 94, and have her remaining days filled with pain, with agony.
I watched Dad suffer, saw him twist and turn in his final hours, until the morphine took over. I saw the pain etched on his face, as he suffered, and there wasn’t a nicer man you could meet. No matter how little we had, he still would share what we had, with those who needed it. He went out of his way to not hurt anyone, yet his final days were spent in pure agony.
And now Mom is starting to have contant pain, constant agony, as her body begins to break down, even more. Her walking is filled with pain, with each step she takes. Her face gets constricted by the sharp pain that jolts her frail body, yet she keeps plodding on. She won’t give in, and yet through her whole life, she gave of herself to whoever asked.
Why does she have to suffer like this? What good does it do GOD to see her this way, to feel her agony, in just getting up. What grand purpose can it serve?
Maybe it is selfish of me, to not want her to suffer. Makes me less adamant about assisted suicide, for those who truly are in utter agony, with no hope of relief. It makes sense, but why does GOD even allow it to happen? Oh I know all about Free Will, but then if we have the right to choose, why then is suicide such a SIN, in virtually every religion? Is it not one’s choice, to suffer or not? Why should we not be able to choose otherwise, if we can?
There is so much we don’t understand, but when my time comes, I sure as hell will have a lot of questions for him.
Maybe some will look on this, and call me a heretic, or unbeliever, but in truth, I was taught, to question everything, including HIM. I think in some ways, maybe he too, is still learning, as we are. Just that his learning curve is beyond our comprehension. I don’t know, I wish I did.
Maybe if I did understand, I could help Mom more, in her final time here. Maybe then, I could not feel so helpless, so useless. I don’t know, but damn, I wish I had even a hint.