We watched the movie called The Bucket List with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. I am glad I watched it, and also wish I never had. It has me wondering about a lot of things, none of which is exactly restful. I mean it is about two guys who are diagnosed with terminal cancer, given only six months or so to live.
That alone, is unnerving, for me.
Worse is the choices, the question, of what would one do, if they are told that? Now, I know, a lot of people get that news, some will stay in hospital and fight for a few extra days, while others will simply bury their head in the sand, and go about their life as if nothing was wrong. Others, not many, will go and try to live their lives, to the fullest, but what is the right answer?
What would I do, if suddenly I knew my time on earth was limited?
It’s an interesting question, given how it also makes me wonder, about Mom, and her situation. I mean she knows her time is numbered, and yet she sits, day in, day out, reading, and watching the odd show. How does that make her accept the inevitable any easier?
Then too, it reminds of an age old question, asked of a wise Rabbi. Seems he posed that very same question, as in the movie, and the students complained that as they didn’t know they would die tomorrow, how could they plan for it. His answer was to say, exactly so, therefore live each day, as if it was your last.
But how can you do that? Seriously, just how can you live today, as if it was your last day, and if you do, what would you do differently?
Nice sentiment, but today’s world is not so cut and dried, now is it? However, I think he meant his answer in a more spiritual sense, which now has me thinking on that too. See, I hate those kind of movies, that make me think, yet I know I won’t be able to put this to rest. It will lurk in the back of my mind, as I watch mother, wondering if somehow I am stopping her from doing something, or if I too, am just marking time, till the inevitable arrives.
Do I show more affection, do I say the phrases of ‘I love you’ more often now, or do I simply go on, as before. Such a simple question, and yet not so easy to answer, with any honesty.
This whole part of my life, seems to be in limbo. It has its ups and downs, mostly downs, and the stress is taking its toll, or is it? Am I perhaps using some form of self defence mechanism, trying to detach myself, in order to better cope? I wish I knew the answers, but I do know, I am tired more, worn out more, and I shouldn’t be.
It really isn’t hard to do laundry every day, and yet I seem to think it is.
It really isn’t hard to wait for her to decide to go lay down, yet I seem annoyed by the interruption, not like I am actually accomplishing anything before hand. That bugs me, because really, there is enough time to do what I should do, and yet, I seem frozen, unable to make a move. Like updating my blogs.
Hell, I call myself a writer, so why can’t I do that? Why do I let myself become so frozen or mired up in the stress. It is all manageable, and what really is getting at me, is that we need the money, but I am not doing what I need to do, to make that money. I know I should be writing, should be updating, creating, yet I would rather procrastinate. Worse, I am using Mom as the reason, and truth is, she isn’t the cause.
Laundry, getting her juice, making dinner, are nothing but excuses, for not doing what needs doing, yet even knowing that, doesn’t seem to make me do more, or shake off those feelings. It is like some strange hand, pushing me away, when I know, it is my own laziness, or inertia.
I don’t get what is happening, because I don’t think I am stupid, nor do I think I am all that lazy. I get up at 6:30am every morning, and yet come midnight, I feel like I did nothing but mark time. Surely I should be doing more, and that time I am up, should be more than enough time to look after mom, and do my work.
This is all so confusing, yet the movie has made me even more antsy, more nervous. Am I losing it, or am I just finding another excuse, to be lazy?